Modern Romance by Aziz Ansari

This book is written by comedian Aziz Ansari and sociologist and NYU professor Eric Klinenberg.  It examines how romance has changed with the digital age.   These are my notes.

• In the past, people married locally, to people who lived in their neighborhood, building, street, etc.  The reason is that people usually lived their lives in a single location. They weren't as mobile and didn't move as often as people today.  Now that people are more likely to move away from their birthplace, people often marry those who are geographically farther away.
• Today, people marry later in life. After college or high school, they start careers or continue their education before marrying.  This time in a person's life is called "emerging adulthood." In the past, people married younger. Marriage was the first step into adulthood, not college or a job.  Women, in particular, would live at home with their parents until marriage. For them, marriage was a way to break free from their parents.
• For older generations, there weren’t many choices for meeting people and starting relationships.  There was the local bar, the school dance, etc. Today, there are so many more choices for finding love: dating sites, social media, the workplace, etc.  While having more options for romance theoretically gives people an easier chance at love, it also causes stress. There is simply too many people to choose from; too many dating choices causes paralysis and indecision.  Plus, because the Internet offers so many romantic options, people now have the sense of being able to find “the best.” The thinking goes: With so many people to date, the perfect person must exist somewhere. People today have high expectations and expect to find their “soulmate.”  The idea of a soulmate, indeed, is a modern concept. Wading through the choices to find a soulmate further causes indecision. In short, the abundance of choices combined with people waiting to marry with emerging adulthood means that the search for a soulmate can go on for decades. 
• In 1997, Nokia had the first mobile phone with a separate keyboard.  In 2007, for the first time, the number of texts sent in a month outnumbered the number of calls made in the U.S.  Texting is a popular form of communication and a vital component in dating today.
• Text messaging is on the rise.  Phone calls are on the decline. The problem with this dynamic is that young people's ability to conversate is getting worse.  Young people struggle with actual conversations. Instead, they feel more comfortable with texting, where they can take time to put thought into their responses.
• Texting inspires different behavior in people than if they were talking in person or on the phone: “texting facilitates flakiness and rudeness and many other personality traits…”
• When people aren’t interested in dating someone, they usually tell the other person that they are busy or simply stop communicating.  However, most people say they prefer honesty from the other person if that person is not interested in them.
• The popularity of online dating has skyrocketed, especially in “thin markets,” or those of minority and niche groups.  LGBT, older straight people, etc., are examples of thin markets where online dating is popular.
• Tinder launched in 2012. The key aspect of Tinder that revolutionized online dating is that both people must be interested in each other, as indicated by swiping right on the other person.  No longer must women worry about creepy guys messaging them or guys being turned down by women based on their looks. Also, swiping made combing through profiles to find a possible date much easier and faster.
• Choosing an attractive profile photo is important in online dating.  Most people become interested in someone through online dating based on the profile photo.  Research shows that women are most attractive when smiling and looking flirtatious. Men are most attractive looking away from the camera and not smiling.
• Online dating has its problems.  Women get more attention than men.  Also, it is exhausting going through so many profiles and fielding messages from interested people to find someone to date.
• Japan is experiencing a dating crisis.  Many Japanese are not dating, marrying, or having children.  The reason? Many Japanese men aren’t comfortable pursuing women: 1) Japanese education is segregated. Men aren’t used to being around women. 2) Men’s self-esteem is tied to their careers, and the Japanese economy has lagged. 3) Many Japanese men live with their parents into adulthood and are mothered, so they lose their manliness.
• More people break up by text or social media, which is especially helpful for ending short or casual relationships.
• When people start dating someone, they often consider the tiny quirks in the other person as a negative and possibly end the relationship because of them - how they chew their food, the kind of dog they have, etc.  However, research shows that if people invest more time in the other person and get to know them, those tiny quirks will recede in importance and they might find a lot more they like in that other person than they initially thought.