News from Alabama

The Guvnuh of the state of Alabama has officially declared next Tuesday as “Squirrel Day” in Alabama. With big federal stem-uh-lous money coming, the Guvnuh plans on spending millions to develop the squirrel industry in his state.

“It’s about time we recognized this valuable little animal in our state,” the Guvnuh says.

He goes on to say that “the squirrel is such a delicacy in Alabama. We love our squirrel meat in Alabama!”

The Guvnuh’s proclamation mentions in particular The Squirrel House Restaurant in Irondale where they serve squirrel 40 different ways.

Bertha Blue, the owner, says proudly, “We serve it grilled, boiled, fried, sauteed, you name it. When it comes to good squirrel meat, we got it!” Laughing, Bertha says, “We even serve it with mushrooms and tofu for you visitors from California. But do know that at our restaurant our only sides are loaf bread and tater chips. What more do you need with squirrel?!”

The Guvnuh notes that there is an abundance of squirrels in the state.

“Since it’s always squirrel season in Alabama, do your part to control the squirrel population. If you see one those buggers crossing the highway where you live, run him over! After all, road-kill squirrel is the best kind. If you’ve ever tried to get a squirrel out of your attic, you’ll understand the mentality involved here. And by all means, you crazy people who keep squirrels for pets—although I don’t know why anyone would deny themselves good squirrel meat for a pet---have your squirrels spayed or neutered.”

The Guvnuh points out that squirrel farming is slowly and quietly becoming big business in Alabama. “It’ll never be as big as poultry farming---after all, for as good as squirrel is it’ll never beat fried chicken on Sunday in the South---but the economy of the state is at stake and every little bit helps. Some of our farm workers will need to be retrained from chicken to squirrel farming, but we’ll set up training centers in our junior colleges. Every state representative and senator will get his own training center. With the stem-uh-lous money coming, there will be lots of state money to pass around to train our workers,” the Guvnuh adds.

“There is a saying in this state that what happens in Alabama should stay in Alabama. Most of you Yankees probably still believe that. Well, I don’t believe that for a minute. It’s time we Alabamians shared with the rest of the country what we love here. After all, we’re the state that gave the country Talladega, Bear Bryant, and George Wallace. The squirrel is next!”