By Mallory Ortbert
The New Yorker
21 June 2017
“Cat on a Hot Tin Roof”
ext. afternoon.
The upper wraparound gallery of the home of big daddy pollitt, an aging tycoon. There are two pairs of doors opening onto the gallery.
maggie the cat, a beautiful young woman with an unwrinkled brow, casually closes the doors as she inspects the afternoon sky.
maggie: Brick, I’m shutting the doors now that Big Daddy’s turned on the central air. We’re not paying to cool the entire Mississippi Delta.
brick: I have uncomplicated feelings about your fertility and have been drinking unadulterated iced tea all afternoon.
big daddy: I have cancer. Hot enough for ya?
big mama: With the interior temperature holding steady at seventy-two degrees, I can handle distressing news with equanimity.
brick: After an appropriate length of time has passed and I have reacted appropriately to this information, I plan on having penetrative sex with my wife, as is my custom. This in no way lessens the importance of my previous romantic relationship with Skipper, a man, whose death was not my fault. I can honor Skipper and love Maggie at the same time.
gooper: It is pleasantly crisp indoors, and I accept your bisexuality as an intrinsic part of your identity, Brick. Let us split our inheritance equally. Better yet, let us not assume we have any right to our parents’ property because of the lottery of our births.
maggie: It’s not too hot out for conventional morality!
big daddy: I don’t have to roll my sleeves up to the elbow in order to stay cool, nor do I need to wield my final will and testament, clublike, in order to command obedience.
mae: It’s cool enough to distinguish between truth and falsehood. I see things as they are, with a clear eye. I have had several children; this is a simple fact.
maggie: Maggie the Cat is no more or less alive than every other member of this family.
brick: I think I’ll have another plain iced tea.
[A thoughtful pause.]
brick: On second thought, I have already had three iced teas today. I am approaching diminishing returns and will have nothing instead.
big daddy: Let’s all have nothing.
“A Streetcar Named Desire”
stanley: Thanks to flash evaporation, my T-shirt is as crisp and fresh-smelling this evening as it was when first I put it on.
stella: While I don’t contribute financially to this household, I am still your partner and your equal.
blanche: I would like to ask permission to stay with you, in your temperate home, and also to respect the primacy of your relationship with your husband, whose Polish background I greatly respect.
stanley: There is no need to sweat or shout in such a small, well-chilled apartment. I can be heard across the room without raising my voice. Look, I have created a chore wheel for the three of us, so that we might all have clear expectations of one another.
blanche: Thank you for the chore wheel, Stanley. What you lack in raw sexual charisma, you more than make up for in artfully expressed boundaries. Speaking of raw sexual charisma and artfully expressed boundaries, I have never treated any of my students with anything less than the strictest of professionalism and respect.
stanley: Would you like some iced tea, or to discuss your mental health in a frank and open way with people who support you?
blanche: I would like both, thank you. The seer rating in the kitchen is excellent and conducive to discussions regarding emotional health.
stella: Let us give thanks for the pioneering work of Willis Carrier, not forgetting the contributions of Stuart W. Cramer, Michael Faraday, and John Hadley.
stanley: I will add that to the chore wheel.
“Suddenly, Last Summer”
sebastian venable: Last summer, the ambient temperature in the sitting room was comfortable for all of my overnight guests, every single one of whom was a consenting adult with a robust, secure sexual identity.
“The Glass Menagerie”
jim: I am engaged to be married but look forward to getting to know Laura as a person and developing a platonic friendship, appropriately contextualized.
laura: I am setting the thermostat to seventy-two, Mother.
amanda: What a reasonable temperature. Tom, while I encourage you to chew your food slowly, I recognize that as an adult, you must make your own choices, and I trust that you will act in your own best interests.
[Distantly, the air-conditioner whirs to life.]
tom: I will honor that trust. Also, I will not take off my jacket, as there is no need; the dining room is exceedingly comfortable tonight.
laura: The horn of my little glass unicorn has broken off. Glass figurines, like dreams, are breakable, but that does not mean they are not worth cherishing.
[Jim texts his fiancée briefly, then returns his full attention to the dinner party.]
tom: I have a two-drink limit that I have no problem adhering to, as I’m rarely parched in this controlled climate.
amanda: Your father was much the same. He also enjoyed drinking in moderation.
laura: Let’s all enjoy drinking in moderation and celebrating our various approaches to life, none of which invalidates the others. [She glances down.] I appear to have been mistaken. My glass unicorn is not broken at all. Nothing is broken.
amanda: How nice.
tom: Yes, how terribly nice.
[Slow fade to black.]
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