The Patriot Act Blues

My wife says, You’d better watch it, Fred.

I say, What are you talking about?

You know, with Bush’s Patriot Act, they might be investigating you someday.

Oh, really. And WHY would they do that?

Well, for starters, you’re corresponding with Mo, aren’t you?

So what? Mo is not some person on this country’s watch list. He was the co-owner of the Texaco station. He’s back in Iran now, and we email each other. I admit he has a shady background, and he used to go to Chicago a lot when he lived here. When he lived Pelham he used to make trips to Iran and back all the time, but he’s not a terrorist. He just likes to keep up with what’s going on here now that he’s back in his native Iran for good. He gives me a different perspective on that crazy president they have in Iran. Their president is actually a very shrewd man. One day he’ll get the best of Bush, you wait and see. Mo’s teaching me about life in Iran these days. It’s interesting. I’m broadening my horizons. Besides, he’s a fellow liberal. What in the world would anybody make of that?

Well, with Bush you never know. I wouldn’t want anyone going thru my emails and seeing that I have a correspondent in Iran. Are you still a member of the ACLU?

You’re silly paranoid. Sure I am—a dues paying member, and I read their blog and get their mail, but I’ve never been personally involved in any of their activities. After all, nothing of consequence ever happens in Birmingham.

And the new owner of the station is a Palestinian? And you’re paling up with him?

Look---Adam is an interesting guy. He grew up in a little town called Bethlehem. Maybe you’ve heard of it. He’s been in the States since 1983. I like to meet people from places other than the South.

I think you’re asking for trouble. What about your library books. You check out liberal books. The UPS truck stops here almost daily. I haven’t told you, but we’ve been getting a lot of calls lately where someone hangs up when I say hello. The caller ID says blocked. And you know the neighbors think you’re crazy.

For crying out loud. So what?

Well, someone could see a suspicious pattern here. And you know you make me nervous when you drop off our trash at various business dumps across town. I know we’re trashy people and you have to do it to get rid of our stuff, but don’t you think if someone were following you, they would find it suspicious?

Well, I suppose so, but who in the world would be watching ME?

Who knows these days? And those anti-Iraq war, anti-Bush letters you send to the paper--- I bet you have at least one a week published; don’t you think someone might put 2 and 2 together?

For heaven’s sake? What 2 and 2?

Well, you and I know this is just the way you are, but the government might wonder. You’d better watch it. Cause I don’t want some van to pull up in front of the house someday and you hauled off to jail without habeus corpuscle or whatever it is and I never see you again.

(Laughing) I don’t think you have anything to worry about. By the way, do you know who’s dark car that is parked across the street?